Oct. 28, 2026

Weaponized Incompetence—and Weaponized Passivity

How do weaponized incompetence and weaponized passivity show up in our homes, at work, and in our relationships? And how can we start to notice and shift these patterns that have left women doing the lion's share of emotional and cognitive labor for so long?

Show Notes

There are several sneaky ways for the people we work with, or live with, to get away with participating less in the work that needs to happen. "Weaponized incompetence" became TikTok-famous during the pandemic, and most of us became more aware when that was being deployed.

A recent Substack post by Ask Astrid suggested that "weaponized passivity" may be a subtler but equally effective opt-out option. When someone says "I don't care what we have for dinner, I'll eat whatever," are they being generous, low-key, and collaborative? Or are they declaring themselves "not it," knowing dinner will still be served (by you) and they'll still get to eat?

We discuss:

How to spot weaponized incompetence, weaponized passivity, and weaponized irritability
How gender roles and socialization teach women to anticipate the needs of the domestic sphere, while rewarding men for being hands-off and largely inattentive
Practical ways to challenge these patterns, including recognizing that “not caring” doesn't mean something doesn't need to get done
How these dynamics show up with our kids, our teenagers... and yes, sometimes, ourselves

We loved Ask Astrid's Substack on this topic and refer to it heavily in this episode. Read for yourself: Meet weaponized passivity: incompetence's quieter sibling

Here are links to some of the other resources mentioned in the episode:

What Fresh Hell is co-hosted by Amy Wilson and Margaret Ables.

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