Ask Margaret - How Do I Handle Kid Crushes?

When our kids tell us about their elementary school crushes– or we find out thanks to notes in their backpack– it can be exciting, confusing, or hilarious. Here’s how to talk about crushes with our younger kids and why it might be best to ‘lean out.’

Show Notes

If you've ever reorganized your kid's backpack and found a note saying "Do you like me? Check YES or NO," then you will probably relate to this week's question:

My 3rd grader has a secret crush and wrote about it, which I found in her book bag. I think it’s adorable. I want to embarrass her so badly. Any tips on kinder ways to address or ignore our kids’ cute little crushes? I mean, this milestone in social-emotional development?

It can be kind of shocking for parents to discover their kids have crushes, because it is often one of the first times they are having an emotional experience that they are not sharing fully with us. This can lead to a temptation either to tease our kids or to put on our detective hats. But it's better to stay calm and resist the urge to dive in full force.

While we may find our kid's crushes adorable and silly, our kids are experiencing them as serious and important. Resist the urge to embarrass kids or tease them about their crushes. It's okay to bring up any information you might have about the crush existing, but from there, let your kids take the lead. Remember that kids have extremely short attention spans. The kid they are having a marriage ceremony with on the playground on Tuesday may be the kid they never want to talk about again by Friday.

Conversations about how we treat each other (in romantic relationships and in friendships) should be happening all the time at home. Talking about crushes is a good time to discuss how to maintain our other friendships even if there is one person we are particularly interested in– and how sometimes we like people who don't like us back, and why that's hard. It's a great time to talk about your own experiences in relationships and what has worked for you.

Kid crushes come and go, so hold them lightly and remember not to overinvest.

Margaret cites this article by Rachel Aydt for Parents on today's episode: https://www.parents.com/kids/development/friends/how-to-handle-your-childs-first-crush/

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